Writing for news is something I’ve been doing for many years but I was recently asked to put those writing skills to work and write a play. This was very first time doing something like this so my creation won’t be on Broadway or at the Bushnell but writing “The Politics of a Modern Family,” was a fun experience and I have a host of people to thank.

Joel Samberg is the brainchild behind “Playhouse 44,” a new community theater group based in Avon, which hopes to some day have its own place to perform on Route 44, the Albany Turnpike. Right now they perform at Avon High School. Joel asked me to write a short ten minute play for their premiere, so I crafted about comedy about a husband and wife raising two teenagers in the digital age. Yes, it was based on my life!

Joel took my script and made it much better, sprucing up the writing without changing the basic premise of the story. Dan Carney directed and four local actors played the characters loosely based on Kara, our kids and me. Kim Pereira, Roy O’Donnell, Lexie Faust and Aiden Cass were amazing!

This was a really enjoyable experience and thanks to everyone who came out especially many News 8 viewers. I look forward to all the great things the talented team at Playhouse 44 will do.

You can read the play below.

The Politics of Modern Family Life

By Dennis House

Cast:

Husband (early 40s)

Wife (early 40s)

Son (older teen)

Daughter (older teen)

Setting:

A few areas of the house where the Husband, Wife, Son, and Daughter are likely to meet or call out to each other as they go about their daily business. The spaces are furnished simply, with just a chair or a small table—and props including a cell phones, a laundry basket, coffee maker, coffee mugs, etc.

A large representation of an analog clock is upstage, raised, which will be lit and unlit as necessary, while its large hands make several quick revolutions between vignettes to show the passage of time.

The Wife is at one end of the stage getting ready for work (checking her pocketbook, brushing off her jacket, looking for her set of keys, etc.) The husband is at the other end (the kitchen) trying to get his morning act together.

Wife: Honey, I’m off to work. Please empty the drier, then put the new laundry in the washer, and when it’s done throw it in the dryer. But remember—my dresses go in the drier on Low. Otherwise they’ll be ruined. Low, okay? Did you hear me? Low!

Husband (his mind is elsewhere): Are we out of milk for the coffee?

Wife: Milk? I don’t know. I didn’t have a chance to make a list.

Husband: What did you say? (He pours himself a cup of coffee.)

Wife: I said I was swamped today, and the day’s hardly begun. I made breakfast for the kids, I talked to your mother, then I talked to my mother, I fed the cats, and now I’m trying to get out the door for work. So I don’t know about the milk, honey. Listen, I forgot

to tell you—my silk shirts that are in the drier now that you’re gonna take out? They need to be hung up. Okay? And do not forget to change the setting for the new load. Low! For dresses it always has to be low, like I told you. Okay? Love you .

Husband: Love you. Have a good day. (Takes a sip of the coffee and mutters to himself.) God, I hate black coffee.

Wife: Also, can you pick up the dry cleaning sometime during the day? Oh—by the way, to save some time I Instacarted a few groceries. It’s being delivered in about an hour. Make sure you’re here, because the last time they left it on the porch the squirrels ripped the bags open and had a feast. (Just about ready to leave.)

Husband: A feast… got it. Have a good day. (Talking to himself, trying to get it all straight—with dubious luck.) All right. Let me think. Washer, drier, nap, gas, Instacart, gym, nap, business calls, fix the screen door, nap. I think I got it.

The Wife, halfway out, turns back.

Wife: Just one more thing, honey. Don’t forget to pick up my mother after her eye doctor appointment this afternoon. She knows it will be you picking her up. I might actually be home by then, but I’ll be completely wiped out. Okay? I’ll call you from the car when I can so that we can catch up about what the kids are dong and about our date night plans. Okay? Bye. (She exits.)

He barely heard her.

Husband: Okay… Who has an eye doctor appointment?

Blackout. Lights on clock. The hands speedily revolve to show the passage of time.

Lights up.

The Husband and Wife are again in different areas of the house. The Wife looks a little disheveled from her day.

Wife: Sorry it was such a crazy morning. And sorry I didn’t call from the car. How was your day?

Husband: Not bad. I just got back from the gym and I’m gonna take another nap. I think I did everything I was supposed to do.

Wife: A nap? You can’t take a nap now You need to pick up my mom in about twenty minutes.

Husband: Oh God, I forgot. Okay, okay… I’ll take the laundry out of the drier and fold it and then I’ll go get your mother. I’ll sleep this weekend instead. Or maybe when I’m dead.

Wife: Don’t say that. I don’t like when you say things like that. I’m gonna just sit for a while and close my eyes. It was a rough day at work. And then we’ll talk. Okay?

She plops herself in a chair.

Husband: Love you too.

Wife: What?

Husband: I said I love you too.

Wife: But I didn’t say… never mind… Love you too.

Blackout. Lights on clock. The hands speedily revolve several times.

Lights up.

The Husband is sleeping on the floor next to a pile of unfolded laundry. The Wife is still in the easy chair, but wide awake, and talking on her cell phone.

Wife: Okay, Mom. I’m so sorry. I’ll find out and call you right back.

She hangs up, then dials. The Husband’s cell phone rings. It startles him. He rummages in his pocket for it, finds it, and answers. Because he had been napping, his voice is very groggy.

Husband: Hello?

Wife: It’s me. Where are you? My mom just called and says she’s been waiting at the eye doctor for twenty minutes. Where did you park? She can’t find you.

Husband: Uh…. Damn… I fell asleep. I’m in the house. I’m leaving now. I’m leaving right now. I swear.

Wife: Are you kidding me? It’s raining outside, and it’s cold. I told you—

Husband: I know, I know, I’m sorry. I guess I just fell asleep.

Wife: All right, I’ll call her back and tell her you fell asleep. I’ll tell her to wait in the lobby.

Husband: No! Don’t tell her I fell asleep. Tell her… Oh, I don’t know… Tell her I was at the grocery store and that it was very crowded.

Wife: Either I’ll tell her that, or I’ll tell her that you fell asleep.

Husband: Come on!

Wife (sighs deeply): It’s fine. Don’t worry. Just go get her. We’ll have fun tonight, to make up for all this craziness. I promise. I’m going to wear that beautiful red dress that I threw in the laundry this morning. By the way, you haven’t seen my cell phone charger, have you? I can’t find it anywhere and my phone’s almost dead.

Husband: Sorry. No. Want me to look for it when I get back?

Wife: You’ll probably fall asleep.

Blackout. Lights on clock. The hands speedily revolve several times.

Lights up.

The Husband and Wife are in the same room, the laundry room, the Wife standing by the laundry basket.

Husband: It’ll be so good to get out tonight, won’t it? The kids want to stay home and watch a movie, we have no commitments—it’ll be heaven on Earth.

Wife: Yes it will. Thanks for doing all those things today. It really helps, though I gotta tell you that my mom said it again.

Husband: Said what?

Wife: That I should have married Jeff Sanders. She remembers him always being on time.

Husband: There is more to the measure of a man than just being annoyingly punctual.

Wife: Where’d you pick that line up?

The Wife picks up a red dress, which has obviously shrunken quite considerably

from what it should be.

Wife: What the… Oh my God!… I told you to put the drier on Low. [Upset.] For heaven’s sake.

Husband: Damn… I forgot! The load was so big, I just forgot.

Wife: Oh my God… This might fit a six year old, but guess what—I’m not six years old anymore. Now I have nothing to wear to go out tonight.

Husband: Maybe you should just try it on and see. You never know.

Wife: You try it on and see. [She throws the dress at him.]

Blackout. Lights on clock. The hands speedily revolve several times.

Lights up.

The Husband and Wife are in the same room, this time the kitchen. The Son and Daughter come in with their cell phones attached to their ears.

Husband: Is one of your patients about to go into labor?

Son: What?

Wife: What your father is trying to say is that the two of you don’t need to carry your phones everywhere you go? You’re not doctors. No phones at the table.

Husband: A little domestic tranquility for ten minutes would be much appreciated.

Daughter: What’s domestic tranquility?

Husband: It’s what’s called an adage.

Son: What’s an adage?

Daughter [referring to her cell phone]: I’m just getting caught up on the news, Dad.

Husband: Oh really? Well, then, if that’s the case, I’m very proud of you. What are looking at on the phone, the Courant? WTNH dot com? CNN?

Daughter: Tik Tok.

Wife: That song by Kesha?

Husband: Who’s Kesha?

Wife: Tik Tok is not for news.

Son: Are you kidding? Sure it is. How else would I know that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce went to Chic Fil-A last night?

Daughter: That reminds me, Mom, I saw a recipe on Tik Tok on how to make the Chic Fil-A sauce. Want me to write it down for you?

Wife: Not now. And no more talk about Tik Tok. Okay?

Husband: Mom’s right. Phones should be for communication, navigation, and education only.

Daughter: Don’t recipes count as education?

Son: Some girl just snapped me.

Husband: Snapped you? What’s that?

Daughter: That’s a message on Snap Chat. By the way, Dad, I’m going to the mall with Ava and Annie and I need to take your charger because my phone is dead.

Husband: It wouldn’t be dead if you weren’t on it 24/7.

Daughter: Everyone’s on it 24/7. See you guys later. [She exits.]

Son: Well, if she’s going to the mall, then I’m gonna go play basketball.

Wife: It’s cold out.

Son: Ever hear of a jacket, Mom? Bye. [Exits.]

The Husband and Wife are left alone, fatigued from the conversation.

Husband: I guess date night was just not meant to be.

Wife: Maybe we should plan it on Tock Tic or Chap Snat.

Blackout. Lights on clock. The hands speedily revolve several times.

Lights up.

The wife is standing in what presumably is the Daughter’s room. There is a laundry basket on the floor, and lots of dirty laundry, too. The aggravated Wife starts putting some of the laundry in the basket. She finds a cell phone charger underneath. Then the Husband enters the room.

Wife Three…. Five…. Ten towels on the floor! Do you believe this?

Husband: You should see your son’s room. He has twelve towels on the floor. And that box of Cheez you were looking for.

Wife: Oh—is that all?

Husband: And an empty Ben and Jerry’s container. And the sneaker he’s been missing since last summer.

Shows him the charger and a piece of paper.

Wife: And I found my charger, and the permission slip she lost for tomorrow’s field trip.

Husband: Oh—is that all?

Wife: And a birthday check from your mother.

Husband: Her birthday was five months ago.

Wife: Where are they learning this behavior from? You and I use three or four towels a week, tops. And we don’t throw our stuff all over the floor.

Husband: Will all these towels fit in one load?

Wife: No. I should charge them five dollars per towel.

Husband: Better yet, keep my mother’s check.

Blackout. Lights on clock. The hands speedily revolve several times.

Lights up.

The Husband, Wife, Son, and Daughter are all in the same room, perhaps a family room.

Wife: Let’s make this a family night. Where do you want to go for dinner?

Son: Someplace where I won’t be embarrassed to be seen with my parents.

Husband: So in other words, nowhere.

Daughter: How about Hibachi?

Husband: We always go to Hibachi.

Son: Let me check Snap Map and we’ll go someplace where no one I know will be at.

Husband: Isn’t that like stalking?

Husband: No.

Wife: This is ridiculous. Your father and I work very hard and we want to go out for a nice family dinner and not worry about Snap Maps or Tik Tok or MySpace or—

Son & Daughter: What’s MySpace?

Wife: Never mind. We’re going wherever your mom and I want to go.

Son: Fine. But no pictures and no posting and no tagging.

Husband: What’s tagging?

Daughter: I have to take a shower first. I didn’t see any towels in the linen closet, Mom.

Wife: They’re all in the laundry room—thank you very much. Enough for twenty-two people.

Husband: You know what we need in a crazy house like this? Alice from “The Brady Bunch.”

Son: Who’s Alice?

Daughter: What’s a Brady Bunch?